📶 Signal Thread: The Dead Founders Rewrite the Constitution
(Because at this point shit’s weirder than G-Dub’s wig )
🦴 Status: Haunted
🧠 Intelligence Level: Disputed
📜 Original Document: Screaming
🦅George Washington (admin):
Ok folks. Amendment V. The one when the government nabs shit, your voice, and your soul. Here for it.
Original text:
No person shall be held to answer… etc etc… shall not be compelled… nor deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process… blah blah blah…
TL;DR:
Basically. No self-snitching.
For the peeps at the back of the bleachers. Double jeopardy is a no go. And, they shouldn’t just steal your house because they feel like it.
🎩Hammy:
Well…C’mon G…Not unless your shack is “in the vicinity of vibes-based crime.” Then boombity boom. Cops own it, rent it to Greg, paint a flag mural on the garage and call it legal patriotism
👩🦱Abi Adams:
Also: “due process” means you actually get a process. Not a Zoom link that expired in 3 minutes and a prosecutor who thinks “innocent” is a serious red flag and “Black” is probable cause.
🧔♂️Tommy J:
They think that?
👩🦱Abi Adams:
*eye roll. Duh
🧔♂️Tommy J:
Hmmmm
👨⚖️Johnny Jay:
Civil Asset Forfeiture is just administrative armed robbery. Sign your dignity on the dotted line; clipboard Karen files it under ‘Oopsie-Daisy we Ruined You. How’d we let that one slip in? Ripe for abuse.
👩🦱Abi Adams: Yeah. And you should see what they’ve done with it. How could you have been so dumb. Told you there should have been a girl on the panel. God dammit.
🧔♂️Big J Adams: Abi. We’ve been through this.
👩🦱Abi Adams: Yeah. And you were still wrong.
🧔♂️Big J Adams: Meh
👓J Mad:
You two. Ha! And “pleading the Fifth” now just means “my lawyer told me to STFU while the government builds a case out of Lego for YouTube.”
🧔♂️Tommy J:
Wait. What? Can they actually seize your cash without charging you?
👨🦳Benny Frank:
Yes, Tom. Welcome to America 2.0. Where your money has fewer rights than your gun
👩🦱Abi Adams:
Or your uterus. Or your vote. Or your eyebrows if you’re trans in Texas…
🧔♂️Big J Adams: Abi. C’mon.
👩🦱Abi Adams: Don’t “c’mon” me, John. I googled y’all. None of you were saints. We might be married but I’ve got rights now.
🎩Hammy:
Confirmed. I had duel PTSD.
🧔♂️Big J Adams: Not for long. JD shit my Pants got you on the list. Women are out. Along with the other minorities.
👩🦱Abi Adams: Ha! Talking of lists…
🧔♂️Big J Adams: Abi…
👩🦱Abi Adams: Meh.
👨🦳Benny Frank: What list?
👩🦱Abi Adams:
The one Rump is on. With the other sex offenders who got away with it because they got money, MAGA suckers and jacked up connections…
🧔♂️Big J Adams:
ABI
👩🦱Abi Adams:
WHAT? He asked!
🦅George Washington (admin):
Right. Right. Moving on. Alright my fellow Rushmorians rally together. Are you ready? Here we go. Proposed update:
Amendment V (Updated)
✅ You don’t have to confess. Not in court, not to Alexa or FBI Bob or on your Facebook update.” What’s on your mind, Jim” is not code for spill your secrets here. And 100 pc no confessing to the FBI. Big badge or no Badge.
✅ No second trials just because Netflix already paid for a true crime sequel. Not your problem.
✅ “Due process” must include an actual process. Not “whoever Tweets or Threads first, wins.” Also, Instagram is not evidence.
✅ The state can’t take your stuff unless they actually charge you and actually win in court. And preferably if you actually did the thing.
✅ Civil asset forfeiture = abolished.
✅ You can’t be forced into a plea deal because your bail was set at the price of a small yacht and a Taco bowl at Mar-a-logo.
✅ Property seizures must come with receipts, not just ‘Chuck got a vibe’.
❌ No “you consented” just because you clicked “I agree” on the 97-page user terms at 3am after a bottle of Jim Beam.
❌ No freezing your bank account because you stood near a protest while in the process of being Hispanic.
❌ No legal loopholes where you unintentionally signed away your last remaining lung to a crypto sheriff.
🎩Hammy:
Addendum: If the state steals your car and loses it, they owe you a new one. Not a gift card for Walmart.
👩🦱Abi Adams:
If your phone testifies against you in court, you get to throw it into a lake or the Bruin’s games to be hockey pucked.
🧔♂️Big J Adams: Meh
👨⚖️Johnny Jay:
Also can we please make it illegal for police to threaten your dog?
👓J Mad: JJ. We need to be less specific. These people are like literal AF. Animal. Pet. No threatening of any animals.
👨⚖️Johnny Jay:
Yeah. You right.
🧔♂️Big J Adams:
Yes. And if your Alexa snitches, you get to cross-examine it in court with a hammer.
👨⚖️Johnny Jay: And a precision Phillips.
🧔♂️Tommy J:
I still don’t get what “qualified immunity” means.
👓J Mad:
It means you can be wrong, violent, and stupid—but if you’re wearing an important badge, the court calls it a learning experience.
🧔♂️Tommy J: Holy shit. We wrote that? Hell no. That’s dumber than my aunt Marge.
🦅George Washington (admin):
Seriously. This is making me want to burn the original Constitution and bury the ashes in a lead box.
👨🦳Benny Frank:
Already did. Ghosts be speedy.
🦅George Washington (admin):
So. Next up: Amendment VI — The Trial Is a Joke (But the Jail’s Still Real).
This is me. Making like a tree. Leafing.
🦅George Washington (admin) has left the chat.
👓J Mad:
BFN
J Mad has left the chat.
🧔♂️Tommy J:
?
👩🦱Abi Adams has left the chat.
🎩Hammy has left the chat.
👨⚖️Johnny Jay has left the chat.
🧔♂️Tommy J:
? Hello??
🧔♂️Big J Adams has left the chat.
👨🦳Benny Frank has left the chat.
🧔♂️Tommy J:
? Hello??
🧔♂️Tommy J:
For Christ’s sake.
Tommy J has left the chat.
🔔 New chat request: T. Rump (Pending Approval)
🦅George Washington (admin):
DECLINED.
System:
T. Rump was blocked from rejoining this chat. FOREVER.
System Message:
All founding ghosts offline.
Constitutional reboot calendared 7pm EST. by 🦅George Washington (admin):
Next Up: Amendment VI — May your trials be speedy and the Jury forever in your favor.
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