Modernizing the Constitution: Lessons from a Signal Chat. Part 2 .

The Dead Founders’ Group Chat Rewrites History Because Shit’s Moved On Since Round 1.

GROUP CHAT: Founding Deadz 🇺🇸

GROUP CHAT: Founding Deadz 🇺🇸

🦅George Washington (admin):

Ok. We’re back. Let’s crack on. Amendment IV.

Original Text:

“The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects…”

Basically: No unreasonable searches. No random seizures. No rifling through the old wig drawer at 3am.

👓J Mad:

Back in my day, “papers” meant, well, papers. Documents and such. You know?  Now it’s all metadata this, browser history that. Bezos. What? Not to mention whatever the phone’s listening to while you’re on the lav taking a dookie.

🎩Hammy:

A what now? It’s not the hard to understand tho. I mean effects. Just means your shit. Your physical shit. Period. Then they went and got all tappy with the webby and confused everything. Damn modernity. And damn Al Gore. Wait did he actually invent the internet? Or he just said he did? I don’t remember.

👨‍⚖️Johnny Jay:

He didn’t.

🎩Hammy:

Oh.

🧔‍♂️Tommy J:

Jeez. We fought a revolution over tea taxes and nosy redcoats. Now they’re legally snooping through your DMs because you liked a spicy meme in 2016? Slap a national security label on it and Bob’s your uncle. Fanny’s your aunt.

👩‍🦱Abi Adams:

Who? Never mind. C’mon half these so-called “searches” happen before the knock, knock joke.

Keyword: “predictive policing.” Googled it. Basically racist algorithms (Like instructions) and digital witch-hunts.

Big J Adams:

You and the damn witch trials.

👨‍⚖️Johnny Jay:

So…modern version:

Knock-knock.

Who’s there?

Just your friendly neighborhood surveillance drone.

Well, that’s not how we meant it. I mean not even a little bit.

👨‍🦳Benny Frank:

Damn. If the police can track your every move because your shoes sync with Wi-Fi, that’s not freedom. That’s footsie fascism. I’m shook.

🦅George Washington (admin):

Okay. Revisions incoming. Thoughts?

Amendment IV (Updated)

✅ You have the right to digital and physical privacy.

✅ A warrant is required. Real one. Not vibes.

✅ No search unless probable cause can actually be explained to someone’s grandma.

✅ No facial recognition via pothole cameras.

✅ No arrest based on your Spotify playlist.

✅ No predictive AI that mistakes walking your dog for “suspicious behavior.”

❌ No ICE raids based on “anonymous tips” from Karen next door.

❌ No drone surveillance of barbecues.

❌ No FBI agent assigned to your group chat named “Greg.”

❌ Your fridge is NOT allowed to snitch.

🎩Hammy:

Addendum: If your FBI guy is named Greg, he should at least Venmo you rent.

👓J Mad:

Also, can we ditch “suspicious movement”? What does that even mean? I’m having a stroke?

🧔‍♂️Tommy J:

What about geofence warrants?

🎩Hammy:

Yeah. Slippery little bastards. They basically ask Google to tell them everyone who was near a crime, then just… pick one.

👩‍🦱Abi Adams:

Yeah. The black one. So racist Minority Report.

🧔‍♂️Tommy J:

Google?  

👨‍⚖️Johnny Jay:

WTF. If we’d known you could be arrested because your phone tried to auto-connect to Starbucks Wi-Fi near a protest, we would’ve lit the Constitution on fire and started over with finger paints.

🦅George Washington (admin):

Honestly? Let’s consider doing that.

We need to focus. Amendment V coming up.

Spoiler alert: “due process” has left the building.

👩‍🦱Abi Adams:

Don’t forget to add:

✅ You can’t lose your house because a SWAT team raided it by mistake and then refused to pay for damages.

👨‍🦳Benny Frank:

You forgot:

✅ You have the right to remain not being surveilled by your smoke detector.

🎩Hammy:

Also maybe:

✅ “Consent to cookies” shouldn’t mean you sold your soul to the Russian oligarchy and an ad agency in St Petersburg.

🦅George Washington (admin):

Save it for the Appendix.

Next up: self-incrimination, double jeopardy, and the fact that civil asset forfeiture is just a mugging in a tie.

👓J Mad:

Meh.

🦅George Washington (admin):

Am out.

🦅George Washington (admin) has left the chat.

👓J Mad:
Rude.

J Mad has left the chat.

🧔‍♂️Tommy J:
?

👩‍🦱Abi Adams has left the chat.

🎩Hammy has left the chat.

👨‍⚖️Johnny Jay has left the chat.

🧔‍♂️Tommy J:
? Hello??

🧔‍♂️Big J Adams has left the chat.

👨‍🦳Benny Frank has left the chat.

🧔‍♂️Tommy J:
? Hello??

🧔‍♂️Tommy J:
Man. Not again

Tommy J has left the chat.

🔔 New chat request: T. Rump (Pending Approval)

🦅George Washington (admin):

DECLINED.

System:

T. Rump was blocked from rejoining this chat. Again.

System Message:
All founding ghosts offline.
Constitutional reboot calendared 7pm EST. by 🦅George Washington (admin):  
Next Up: Amendment V — The Self-Incrimination Games