Modernizing the Constitution: Lessons from a Signal Chat. Part 1.

The Dead Founders’ Group Chat Rewrites History Because Shit’s Moved On Since Round 1.

GROUP CHAT: Founding Deadz 🇺🇸

🦅George Washington (admin):
Right. Here it is.

Amendment II
Original Text:
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed.

🧔‍♂️Tommy J:
Ok who let capitalism eat democracy. NGL. This is a shit show. We got our faces carved in a rock for this?

👓J Mad:
Hell, I wrote the damn Second Amendment and even I don’t know why everyone’s armed like it’s The Terminator.  Look. I just meant a musket. One. Not an entire f***ing arsenal in the basement. AR-15s? C’mon we didn’t even have indoor plumbing. And the “militia” part? That was supposed to mean trained farmers with pitchforks, not cousin Kyle with a Punisher tattoo and a year’s worth of missed psychiatrist appointments.

Sure. They have a right to protect themselves but they don’t have the right to cosplay Call of Duty in Walmart. Right? Or Schools.

🎩Hammy:
Yeah. Definitely not schools. We all agreed arms not armories. And where the hell is the “well-regulated” part? They skipped that like a Terms & Conditions box from the skulldugging Brits.

🦅George Washington (admin):
Okay deep breaths. We’re revising. Let’s start with the Second. Let’s make it… less “Die Hard in aisle 12.

👩‍🦱Abi Adams (added to the group):
About TIME.
Also you all forgot women. Again.

🧔‍♂️ Big J Adams:
oh no

🎩Hammy:
She’s gonna bring up the witch trials again.

👩‍🦱Abi Adams:
Hell straight I’M GONNA BRING UP THE WITCH TRIALS

🦅George Washington (admin):

Ok how’s this? Clear?

Amendment II:
“Right to Bear Them Arms”

✅Background checks. OBVS.
✅ You may own a single firearm.
✅ It must be stored in a locked cabinet.
✅ It cannot fire more than 6 bullets per 30 seconds.
✅ You must be able to eat your target for Sunday lunch.
❌ No tactical gear unless you are ACTUALLY in a war zone.
❌ No gun-themed Christmas ornaments.
❌ No comparing yourself to Rambo unless you’ve eaten an actual snake.

👓J Mad:
If you want a weapon of war, join a war.
Otherwise sit down, Dwayne.

🦅George Washington (admin):

Ok. Surely they can’t screw this one up.

👩‍🦱Abi Adams:

They’re men. Sure they can. Don’t you think you might have thought about the future when you wrote the first one? I mean. Just saying.

message flagged for “gender bias” by Meta moderation bot

👩‍🦱Abi Adams:
Oh now you care.

🧔‍♂️ Big J Adams:

Not Helpful Abi.

🔔 New chat request: T. Rump (Pending Approval)

🎩Hammy:
Not this guy.

🦅Washington (admin):
DECLINED.

System:
T. Rump was blocked from rejoining this chat. Again.

🦅George Washington (admin):

He gives me a headache, OK. OK. Moving on. Amendment 1. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press…blah blah blah

👓J Mad:
I’m sorry, what’s not clear?
You can’t be using “freedom of speech” to yell racist homophobic sh*t, post conspiracy theories about lizard people, or claim vaccines are made of 5G.

🎩Hammy:
Exactly. We meant speaking truth to power. Not “I should be allowed to livestream my hate crimes.”

🦅George Washington (admin):
Also we said freedom of religion. Not theocracy. They all out here trying to baptise the Pentagon.

👩‍🦱Abi Adams:
…and some of them are acting like “freedom of the press” means you get to own five-billion-dollar media empires and say women shouldn’t vote because the vibes are off.

🧔‍♂️Tommy J: Hot take: maybe free speech should come with a literacy test and a basic empathy requirement?

👓J Mad:
Let’s just say this:

Amendment I (Mark 2)
✅ You may speak your mind.
✅ You may disagree with the government.
✅ You may worship whatever or whomever you want.
❌ You may not promote genocide and call it “just asking questions.”
❌ You may not use “free speech” as a get-out-of-jail-free card for being a bigot.
❌ You may not turn your YouTube channel into a cult.

👩‍🦱Abi Adams:
Oh, and while we’re at it. Can we include women this time round?
Or do we need a rerun of Thelma and Louise?

🧔‍♂️ Big J Adams:
That’s it I’m out of here.

🧔‍♂️ Big J Adams has left the chat.

🦅George Washington (admin):
Right. Amendment III.
Original Text:
No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner… etc etc.

🧔‍♂️Tommy J:
C’mon man. This one was just common sense. No? Just bans random dudes with bayonets crashing on your sofa. Like… minimum standards for a republic don’t you think?

🎩Hammy:
We were literally trying to stop 18th-century Airbnb invasions. Now you’ve got ring cams, robo-dogs, and police tanks doing sleepovers on your cul-de-sac

👓J Mad:
Also reminder: no-knock raids exist.
SWAT teams and ICE entering homes like surprise parties. Except instead of popsicles, it’s trauma.

👩‍🦱Abi Adams:
And Digital quartering. It’s the new buzz word. Oh no they don’t need to bunk in your house anymore. They just camp out in your router.

👨‍⚖️Johnny Jay:
At this point, the only thing not quartered in American homes is basic empathy.

👨‍🦳Benny Frank (joined the chat):
S’up all? Oh. Shit.

👨‍⚖️Johnny Jay (added to chat):

Also — your fridge shouldn’t be snap chatting to the FBI.

👨‍🦳Benny Frank (joined the chat):
Called it. I said “those who give up liberty for safety deserve neither.” Remember that, huh? Anyone?

Sold their souls to Amazon for free shipping. #dumbasses

🧔‍♂️Big J Adams (back, grumbling):
Wait so “quartering” now means facial recognition and government-issued toaster updates?

🎩Hammy:
Yes. And yes, it’s still creepy.

🦅George Washington (admin)

This one’s easy y’all.

✅ You may not be forced to house soldiers.
✅ You may not be forced to house cops either.
✅ You may not be digitally quartered by the government via apps, smart devices, or “suspicious” playlists.
❌ No facial recognition in your air fryer.
❌ No no-knock raids at 3am unless your house is literally on fire and filled with spies.
❌ Your smart fridge is not allowed to narc on your leftovers to federal agencies.

👓J Mad:
Yeah you’re right. It’s called privacy, people.

🧔‍♂️Tommy J:
Nah mate It’s called get out of my house, Karen.

👩‍🦱Abi Adams:
And stop giving your Roomba access to classified data.

🦅George Washington (admin):
Alright. I feel like we actually nailed that one.Ready for Amendment IV?

👨‍🦳Benny Frank:
Oh baby.
Time to talk about SEARCH AND SEIZURE. My favorite. Let’s go!

🎩Hammy:
Wait. Where’s Tommy?

👓J Mad:
He’s muted. He’s been writing a 3,000-word blog post about the Enlightenment again.

🧔‍♂️Tommy J:
I WAS FRAMING A NUANCED CRITIQUE OF AUTHORITARIANISM OKAY

👩‍🦱Abi Adams:
In Comic Sans?

🧔‍♂️Tommy J:
…it helps me think.

🦅George Washington (admin):
OKAY. Let’s all go take a five.Stretch. Hydrate. Unplug.
We reconvene for Amendment IV tonight at 7.

👨‍⚖️Johnny Jay:
E.S.T or revolutionary time?

🦅George Washington (admin):
sigh
It’s always revolutionary time, Jay.

🦅George Washington (admin) has left the chat.

👓J Mad:
Rude.

J Mad has left the chat.

🧔‍♂️Tommy J:
?

🎩Hammy has left the chat.

👩‍🦱Abi Adams has left the chat.

🧔‍♂️Tommy J:
? Hello??

🧔‍♂️Big J Adams has left the chat.

👨‍⚖️Johnny Jay has left the chat.

👨‍🦳Benny Frank has left the chat.

🧔‍♂️Tommy J:
? Hello??

🧔‍♂️Tommy J:
Oh

Tommy J has left the chat.

System Message:
All founding ghosts offline.
Constitutional reboot calendared 7pm EST. by 🦅George Washington (admin):  
Next Up: Amendment IV — The Empire Strikes Privacy