Incident Preparedness Guidelines: Safety Procedures for Unplanned Happenings and Such.

Dear New Staff Member,

Herein are instructions that are provided as a courtesy to ensure safety across our green campus. Please follow them carefully. As you are aware from your recent onboarding course, your wellbeing and that of the children in your care is paramount to our institution. Consistency is key. In precarious situations, panic is somewhat inevitable. Naturally, we aim to minimise this as much as humanly possible. You will invariably, from your mandatory attendance of the above-named course, recall that children under undue pressure respond best to routines that are both familiar and rehearsed.

In light of this, we have produced this handy fact sheet to support you in your journey with us.

Following these hints will ensure that fear is managed adequately and without unnecessary fuss.

Regards,

From all of the Senior Leadership Team.

Homeroom

First, greet in any way you deem meaningful. However, please be mindful of time and ensure that this section of the period is kept within a two-minute time frame.

Then, always have them write the correct date in books.

Underline.

Handwriting should be in black ink, not blue.

For those younger than seven years in December, a pencil is permitted but under no circumstances should a crayon be utilised for this particular endeavour.

Next,

All Rise.

Then, start routine protocol #1:

Step One

Move in an orderly fashion. No skipping, jumping, running or shenanigans of any kind will be tolerated.

Little legs must speed along but purposefully, of course. Purposefully and quietly.

Step Two

Don’t forget to thank God for the day

Then, sing, sing the silly song,

Sing like you’re winning.

Remember to make it morning cute so little minds can remember what to do.

You too.

No smiling.

Be sure to stop the gigglers, as adorable as they might be, they are something of a costly inconvenience. Criers too.

Furthermore, the stragglers and the non-compliant should be reprimanded appropriately following strategic policy 172 (See appendix 895 of the staff handbook)

Be sure to train it every day

like a prayer or a mantra.

A just in case, the inevitable comes your way.

Step Three

Remind them.

“Remember

you put your hands to your side

and bow, bow your head.”

And, of course,

“Don’t look up

There is nothing above you need to see.

Remember, the sky is for birds who are free.

The ground is the human domain.”

Next,

Tell them to

“keep your lips locked together.

Tightly now

no need to speak out loud

or at all.”

Remember, consistency is the key.

They must not speak a word.

There is nothing to say

then,

sing

“run little fairies, tiptoe-light.

shut the heavy door behind you.

do it quietly, for the elves will know your troubles,

remember to lock it tight.

Keep little secrets out of sight”

then, pile the chairs underneath the handle.

Two hands one chair.

It is your job to make them care (See page 567 of your contract for further clarification)

then,

“run, run—

run.

silently go.

crouch underneath the table,

like a turtle in a tizz.

go.

go.

Quickstep—two

hide away just to play.

sleeping lions made of you.

then, hold each other tight—

you’re invisible, don’t forget.

don’t breathe to speak.

or think to know.”

Maybe if you’re lucky

you’ll come out of school alive.

Finally remind them, “It’s just a thrill.”

Just for funsies.

No gunsies.

Repeat Daily.

(For students in Elementary 3 and below, please see instruction manual #78. It would be wise to familiarise yourself with all protocols pertaining to unfortunate incidents in case of the eventuality that you are in an unacquainted area of the school.)