📶 Signal Thread: The Dead Founders Rewrite the Constitution
Amendment VI — The Trial Is a Joke (But Jail’s Still Living its best life)
🦴 Status: Still Haunted
🧠 Intelligence Level: Mildly Questionable
📜 Original Text: “Speedy and public trial… impartial jury… to be informed of the nature and cause…”
🦅 George Washington (admin) rejoined the chat
Alright. I’m back. I leafed. I reflected. I screamed into Rushmore. Loading.
So, let’s get on with Amendment VI. Remember this nugget?
Original intent:
If the government accuses you of doing a crime, they don’t get to just lock you in a basement for three years whilst they go on a birdwatching expedition. You get a Mcspeedy, public trial, a real jury (ie not the prosecutor’s bribed pawns), and a chance to actually defend yourself.
Now it’s, “You’ll sit in jail until you forget your own name, your lawyer’s drooling into his espresso, the jury’s asleep, and the prosecutor is armed with PowerPoint and a confidence completely devoid of facts.”
🎩 Hammy:
Hmmmm so “Speedy” now means “before you die… Maybe” But if you croak in the waiting room we’ll declare you innocent posthumously.
👨⚖️ Johnny Jay:
Unless you’re rich and milky that is. Then it’s speed of light trial by javelin. And of course public trial also used to mean public. Not “technically open but held at 3am on a Tuesday 900 miles away with no livestream and a security guard with an aversion to joy.”
👩🦱 Abi Adams:
And “impartial jury” apparently means: twelve people who think cops don’t lie, poverty is a moral failure, and anyone nervous must be guilty. Most of them are called ‘Karen’ I believe.
🧔♂️ Tommy J:
Wait. Don’t you get a jury of your peers?
👓 J Mad:
Indeed. And then they psychoanalyze the most likely to convict and with a bit of techno voodoo, they pick who they want. Mind games galore.
👨🦳 Benny Frank:
Damn.
👨⚖️ Johnny Jay:
Also worth noting: “speedy” does not mean “we delay until you accept a plea because jail is fucking with your headspace.”
🧔♂️ Big J Adams:
That’s… not what we meant.
👩🦱 Abi Adams:
John. Babe. None of this is what you meant at all. Should have been more clear, shouldn’t you?
🧔♂️ Big J Adams:
How were we supposed to know that they’d do this to it?
👩🦱 Abi Adams:
You weren’t supposed to know. You were supposed to imagine. The forefathers without the foresight. You saw what they did to the holy book didn’t you? Used it like a hand grenade. Then made a mint on the aftermath merch.
🧔♂️ Big J Adams:
Meh.
🦅 George Washington (admin):
Right. Proposed update. Read slowly. These people skim. Yes — you too.
👩🦱 Abi Adams:
Especially you. Ha. Skim and SCAM more like.
🛠️ Amendment VI (Updated — Ghost Patch v6.0)
✅ A speedy trial means actually speedy.
Not “long after three budget cycles and your kid has graduated college.”
✅ If the state isn’t ready to try you, you get to go home. The End.
Jail is not a stable for unfinished grunt work. Or sleepy DAs.
✅ Public trial means accessible. Viewable.
Livestream counts. Obscurity does not.
👩🦱 Abi Adams:
Yeah but now they have trial by media.
🦅 George Washington (admin):
That feels… constitutionally a little um untoward. I must say, I rather regret inventing permanence.
👩🦱 Abi Adams:
There’s more. Like Fox News is a registered entertainment company and these peeps call it NEWS. Like, legit they think it’s real. My God.
🦅 George Washington (admin):
Also noted. Differently.
🧔♂️ Big J Adams:
What? I didn’t know that.
👩🦱 Abi Adams:
How could you? But yeah that’s how a criminal got ‘elected’.
🦅 George Washington (admin):
Ok Abi. You’re right but that debacle is for another day. We mustn’t digress. Amendment VI we are doing. And Amendment VI we shall do.
✅ A jury of your peers must resemble the actual community,
not twelve LinkedIn profiles named ‘bleeding heart’ and Marigold.
✅ Jurors must understand:
• cops can be wrong
• prosecutors lie…like a lot
• vibes are not evidence.
• poor is not a synonym of criminal
👩🦱 Abi Adams:
Nor is being a woman.
🦅 George Washington (admin):
Noted.
✅ You have the right to effective counsel,
not an “overworked public defender with 200 cases and a laptop on Windows 9.”
✅ Discovery must be complete and ON TIME.
No surprise evidence. No “oops we found this in the sock drawer.” Can’t meet the deadline defender walks. Damn, I thought that one was so obvious. Didn’t realise we needed to add a clock to the situation.
And finally,
✅ Plea deals cannot be weaponized by pretrial detention.
Freedom is not a bargaining chip.
❌ No trials delayed “for strategy.”
❌ No jury pools scrubbed for inconvenience.
❌ No judges punishing defendants for asserting their rights.
❌ No pretending court-appointed means “adequate by magic.
🎩 Hammy:
Addendum: If the prosecutor withholds evidence, they get fired into the sun like one of Muskie’s rockets. That way they are guaranteed to stay up there for a long, long time.
👨⚖️ Johnny Jay:
Here. Here. Or maybe at least get disbarred. Let’s be realistic. The sun is busy…and Musk rocket has like a 0.2pc chance of getting anywhere TBF.
👩🦱 Abi Adams:
Also if a juror says “I can always tell when someone’s lying,” they’re out. Immediately. No notes.
👓 J Mad:
Yes! And can we explicitly state that body language pseudoscience babble is bullshit? And the eyes do damn well lie.
🧔♂️ Tommy J:
Please. I look guilty just ordering a matcha latte.
👨🦳 Benny Frank:
Wait one more…If the state loses or dismisses after years of delay, records get expunged automatically. No ‘you’ve been punked’ admin fee.
🦅 George Washington (admin):
Done. Anything else before I throw my wig in the Mississippi?
🧔♂️ Big J Adams:
…Maybe add that judges can’t threaten defendants with harsher sentences for going to trial? No life roulette.
👩🦱 Abi Adams:
Oh look. Growth. How quaint.
🧔♂️ Big J Adams:
Shut up Abi. You’re lucky you are here at all. Never would have happened back in the day.
👩🦱 Abi Adams:
Progress looks like tits. What can I say?
🧔♂️ Big J Adams:
Nothing. Preferably.
👩🦱 Abi Adams:
Meh.
🎩 Hammy:
You two, Stop. Someone screenshot that pls.
🦅 George Washington (admin):
Final note:
If your trial takes longer than your sentence would’ve been, congratulations—you win capitalism jail free.
👓 J Mad:
Frame it.
👩🦱 Abi Adams:
Meme it and stick on Insta. Keep up Mad.
👓 J Mad:
Grrrrr
🔔 System Notification:
Amendment VI saved.
Several modern prosecutors got goosebumps and farted.
At least one PowerPoint burst into flames.
🦅 George Washington (admin):
Alright. Next up:
Amendment VII — Civil Trials: Or How Corporations Ate the Jury and Called It Arbitration
I need a drink. Or an exorcism.
🦴 Ghosts typing…
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