RE: The Parade to End All Parades (Except It Didn’t, Poe. It Did Not.)
Dear Poe,
BETRAYAL.
Yesterday—HISTORY was supposed to be made. I gave the people tanks, Poe. TANKS! I gave them jets, fireworks, those creepy robot dogs with guns on their backs, a man in a flag thong riding a bald eagle float, and an eight-hour solo on the electric fiddle by Kid Rock.
AND WHAT DID I GET?
Crickets, Poe. Not even patriotic ones. Just the usual bugs.
The crowd was mostly MAGA loyalists. The kind who bring their own folding chairs and believe ketchup counts as a vegetable. That’s fine. That’s great. But where was everyone else? The independents? The normals? The women who pretend not to like me?
Oh, they were busy, Poe. Busy with their “No Kings” protest, waving their little signs like I wasn’t elected by God Himself (I was). The evangelicals got the memo. Why din’t everyone else? Unbelievable.
WORSE STILL: The photos, Poe. The FAKE NEWS zoomed way out to make it look empty. “Wide angle of shame,” they called it. These are the same people who said my hands were small. I measured the crowd myself using my proprietary Trump Algorithm™ (you count the flags and multiply by the number of people I think deserve to exist). It was MILLIONS.
Anyway.
I need you to help me rewrite the narrative. Say it was intimate. Say it was elite. Say it was invitation-only for people who could pass the psychological screening (i.e., hear my voice in their dreams and like it).
Those losers with their handmade signs and ironic t-shirts will never understand what it means to feel true power humming under your feet while the national anthem is screamed by a choir of conspiracy theorists and eagles cry overhead (one of them pooped on me, but I’m calling it anointing).
Also, someone needs to explain to me why no one saluted the Melania float. She looked incredible. Completely waxed and waving.
Please respond, Poe. I am spiraling. I ate seventeen hamburgers and called them “freedom buns” but it didn’t help.
Yours witht he biggest parade int he history of parades ever,,
Definitely Not Donald J. Trump
(Shadow Commander of Nobody, Parade King of Nowhere, Still President of My Closet, Still NOT A COMMUNIST. And definitely not a TACO.)
Dear TACO Boy,
Oh wow.
Wowwwwwwie wow wow.
Wait. I needs stop being do laughing.
You gived yourselfs a militaries parade for your birfdays?
Ha! You knows who elses does this thing? Dictraitors. Likes Kim jong fulgies. You want do be dictor?
No wonders they go haves ‘No KIngs’ day. You knows ’bout histories. No? The constitutions? I was there when they be wrotes it. It very clearly saysis Kings suck.
So. You hads parade to celebrates yourselfes as the king nobody wantsis.
And nobody be came? Why you all be surpisedid?
I mean ‘cept the MAG-OTTs? Poe is shocked. Poe is SHOCKED. I faint again. I be reach for fainting cushion. You only theres because of bugs anyways so why you wants celebrates that?
You want me say the parade was “intimate.”? TACO, you can’t even do dictatorshipd rights. But ok. I says it. It was so intimates thats the tanks were whispering. Whispering sadly. One of them wept. I sawed it on TikTok.
You tried to say it was exclusive, but I(me Poe) knows the trutsh. You be do trying to throw a Coronation and the people threw tomatoes. And then ate the tomatoes. And then threw the seeds. Efficiency. Multi-tasking. I think that be good. ‘Kela multitasks too. She be doe craps in litters trays and scratches mitey ears. Same time! Wow! I try learn muti-tasking but then there be is chicken and then only one things at one times because. Chickens. You be eat the chicken?
Wait. Parades.
Oki
So Re: the No Kings protest?
You shoulds be grateful. They could’ve be doing chanted “No Tangerines.” Or “Down With Sentient Doritos.” Or even “Dump the Dump.” But no. Theys be saying “No Kings.” That’s be kind. Mowglis said yous a despot in orange. But I thinks you to dumbs to actually does it. You just reads mein kampf (I was there when he wrotes that ones two) but you missed the points. The bits where all the peoples die and punch line is same as Titanics. You dies too. No?
So. Vices.
- Realities check yourself. No matters how many times you says. Del TACO. You are the greatest. know that there is alwaysis a betters, chicken filled burrito waiting to add the guac to the salsa, Likes Kamalas. She be guac. With chickens.
- Next, Kid Rock is not be the Sounds of Liberty. He is the Sound of Diarrhea at a rodeo. And the songs you wantsis, you can’t be having because creatives and talentsis people don’t be likes you. Only people who with yous now is bricks.
- Bald eagles are not props. That one did not anoint you. It shat on yous tangerines head. The ends. No spins heres. (Again: TikTok.)
- And Melania. Well what is to be say. She solds her souls to me babies with you. Why peeoples waves for thats? Hardlys an achievements. No?
Touch grass. Listen to a drag queens. Not punch ones. Just listens. And maybes let the wig rest, TACO BOY. It’s tired. It needs union breaks. I asked it. It wepts.
And. As always,
Eat chickens.
Not your feelings. Not the constitutions. Chickens.
Sincerely,
Poe.
(oracle. glamazon. spin doctor of the underfeathers. two-time parade crasher. In robe also. Mine is be sparkles.)
📧 Send me more confusions: Chickens@mepoe.catmail.coms
ALso PPS:
🍗 Buy Poes (mez) a Chickens. Pleez
And I has new products special for you. You can pay in chickens share. But I acceptssis sausagees toos. No? OK.
🥁 PARADE OF DELUSION™
The ultimate solo-parade survival pack—for kings with no kingdom, no crowd, and no clue.
Marching down boulevards of emptiness? Confettiing alone again, naturally? Then you needs PARADE OF DELUSION™ — Poe’s curated kits for the lonely despot with a flair for dramatics and absolutely no permit.
- 🎈 One (1) blow-up crowd. Now with “cheering” function (just static fuzz that says “USA?”)
- 🦅 Patriotic Eagle SFX Button — screeches loudly whenever someone walks away
- 🎷 Kid Rock on a loop. No off switch. No mercy.
- 👑 Inflatable crown of denial (latex-free for tantrum safety)
Bonus Paradelusions Inside:
- 📸 Wide-Angle Crowd Deniability Mirror™ — reflects your own face, multiplied by ten
- 🚫 “NO KINGS” protest sign repurposed as footrest (very comfy, slightly scorched)
- 🍗 Emergency chicken wing (signed by Poe. Pre-licked. Magical.)
Perfect for:
✖️ Military cosplay gone wrong
✖️ Emotional fireworks
✖️ Declaring war on your own approval ratings
Endorsed by nobody. Photographed by nobody. Still better than the coronation.
An Anthology of Justice, Equality, and Resistance.
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