RE: Everybody is calling me a TACO
Dear Poe,
Look, I don’t usually write to CATS (no offense — you’re a smart one, very respected, lots of people saying it). But I’ve had ENOUGH. There’s a nickname going around, very nasty stuff, TOTAL DISRESPECT. They’re calling me… wait for it…
T.A.C.O.
That’s right.
Trump Always Chickens Out.
ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE.
Can you believe it? Total LIES. I do not chicken out. I never have. I’ve stared down entire countries and said “NO.” I’ve threatened MASSIVE TARIFFS — the biggest, most incredible tariffs — and then decided to be generous. Strategic. It’s not weakness, it’s leadership. Strong leadership. The best.
Now the fake news media is mocking me. Wall Street’s laughing. People are posting memes with me wrapped in tortillas — badly photoshopped, by the way. Lazy work. One had sour cream. I don’t even LIKE sour cream. It’s not classy.
And this whole “Bonespurs” thing? TOTAL HOAX. I could’ve served. Would’ve been the best soldier. Ask anyone. But the military? Not ready for someone like me. Too elite. They knew it. Same reason I “allegedly” paid someone for my degree — which I didn’t. Maybe. Maybe not. But if I did, it was LEGAL, PERFECT, and extremely SMART.
Anyway — I need advice. You, Poe. You’re cold. Mysterious. People respect you. You understand POWER.
Should I sue? Should I rebrand tacos? Should I issue a national chicken embargo? I’ve embargoed weirder things. Like foreign students at Harvard. Should I start a new food-based nickname for Biden? (He’s clearly a soggy burrito. No one wants that.)
Advise me, Poe. The world is watching. And they are VERY RUDE.
Yours (angrily),
DONALD J. TRUMP
(Real President, Actual Businessman, Definitely Not a TACO)
Poe-plies:
Dear TACO,
Delicates Wraps of Ego
Firsts, justs so you KNOWS I don’t usually respons to respond to =bipedal vegetables. But todays I make ‘ception coz clearlys youx iz delicate wrap of egoes. TACO. HA!
Seems to mez (Poe) that you are be is a TACO, hollow, structurally unsounds, and always falling ‘part under lickle bits of pressure. No?
I don’t be liking weak snacks. My snacks be strong. You can’t handles the bites then you shouldn’t be on the plates.
You ask if you should sue? No. I think no. You should be stew. In silence. They should wrap yous in foils and leaves you behinds radiator.
And, should you rebrands tacos? Tacos not truths. You can’t rebrands them. Tacos be tacos and you is a giant tacos. A soggy crisp ichicken. Ha!
And alsos … banning chickens. Why you wants do this?
They the only ones who don’t be do flinching when your wigs flies off in windsis of your own delusion.
Chickens not be your enemies.
They be futures. Like the kids you bannedid froms Harvards. That be dumb. You thinks you wants dumb peoples so you be smarters but this be problem. Big problems.
Coz likes you don’t ever be readings the Snow Whites stories? There always be someones better. The end. You thinks smarts peoples big problem. No. No. You is all wrongs. Dumb peoples be problem. They wrestles rattlesnakes and then theys be do prays they don’t gets bitten to big God that inventsis the snakes?
How dumbs that bes?
And you toos. You alls “I ‘lieving in this bibbils.” HA! Now that Mr TACO ‘Riminal. That be real FAKES NEWS. I know. Coz I was be there. And one I knows you don’t be ‘lieving it at alls. Yous just wants the ‘vangelistsis to be gives you votings. But theys don’ts knows what I be knows coz if they dids they’d be feeding TACO’s to the snakesis not bowsing to yous orange scales. But that for another ‘vices day.
So here my (Me Poe) advice:
Buy a mirror. Stare into it long. Waits for ‘flection to packs up and leaves. Then eat chickens.
That is all.
Eat chickens.
Always.
Sincerelies,
Poe.
(Real cat, Actual Human, Definitely Not a TACO simpafiser)
📧 Send me more confusions: Chickens@mepoe.catmail.coms
ALso PPS:
🍗 Buy Poes (mez) a Chickens. Pleez
And I has new products special for you. You can pay in chickens share. But I acceptssis sausagees toos. No? My mummy one helpded me does this one. Coz we is be a teams. And she be betters with the spellings than mes (Poe).
🌮 SPLAT-A-TACO™: THE PRESIDENTIAL EGO RELIEF KIT
Finally, a safe and satisfying way to take out your frustrations on fragile fascists. No actual tacos were harmed (yet).
Feeling enraged by tariff tantrums? Exhausted by ego? Flustered by foreign policy made with finger paint and fear? You need SPLAT-A-TACO™. It’s not violent. It’s not illegal. But it is deeply, profoundly cathartic.
- 🌮 One (1) foam Trump Taco™ effigy – orange, crispy, and structurally unsound
- 🍅 A set of biodegradable tomato splat packs (filled with emotional consequences)
- 🎯 A deluxe “Wall of Projection™” target board with built-in gaslight sensor
- 📣 A pre-recorded button that yells “FAKE NEWS!” every time you land a hit
Bonus Accessories:
- 🧻 A roll of legal loophole toilet paper (for wiping history clean, like he tries to)
- 🎓 A novelty degree with “Definitely Not Paid For” in Comic Sans
- 🐔 A sticker that reads: “Ban Chickens, Ban Yourself”
You deserve peace. Or at least the sound of sour cream being emotionally splattered on fascist iconography.
Because sometimes justice isn’t blind — it’s hungry, and a little spicy.
🔥 Add to Cart. Splat the Fascist. 🔥
Endorsed by 4 out of 5 chickens. The 5th one was too busy saving democracy.
☍ The Underland Review
Out Now.
Read it…
And Weep.
The Underland Review: Issue One – This Zine Is a Lie is now live.
57 pages of soft monsters, glitch-lit poetry, haunted prose, cursed diagrams, and art that shouldn’t exist but does anyway. A digital archive stitched together with pocket lint, rage, and love.
☍ READ THE ZINE
Free to read, cursed to absorb. Share it with your coven, your nemesis, your local librarian.
☍ DOWNLOAD THE ZINE (Pay What You Want)
Keep a high-res PDF in your glitch archive. Every donation helps us print more, distribute wider, and one day pay the beautiful liars who make this possible.
☍ ORDER A PRINT COPY ($5.55 + your soul)
Hold the lie in your hands. Smell the ink. Feel the contradiction.
☍ Submissions for Issue Two Are Open
Deadline: Midnight August 10th, 2025
We’re seeking: poetry, prose, essays, visual art, sound pieces, spoken word, and other beautiful misfits. If it glitches, bleeds, howls, or doesn’t fit in polite company — we want it.
We accept text, image, and audio formats. MP3s, JPGs, PDFs, .docx, strange attachments — bring us your fragments. Collaborative works are welcome.
Email us at: riverandceliainunderland@gmail.com
Subject line: THIS IS A LIE – [Your Name]
Thank you for reading. Thank you for believing in beautiful contradictions.
We were never here.
— River & Celia
Curators of Lies, Underland Division
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