The Catdiva Monologues

Volume I: The Spaniel Situation — A Meowalogue in Three Whines

by the eternally tormented and maligned Akela Underland

C-ACT I: VIOLATION

They brought it home.
That floppy, bug-eared interloper.
That sycophantic imposter

It has breath like betrayal and a brain possessed by the caninion devil on LSD after coffee and a slurp of Red Bull.

I was mid-dream, drifting through velvet fields and canned salmon breezes, when the door burst open and in it stumbled—All legs and vomit breath
That. Thing.

It had the audacity to sniff me.

ME!
She tried to engage in… play.
I am not a chew toy.
I am a concept.

A Myth.

A legend

In my own snack break.

C-ACT II: ANGUISH

It is so unfathomably ridiculous stupid

It chases its own shadows for fun –

Such an ridiculous beast

A jaunty little turd

And more than that

It chases me.

Me!

Of course it is too dumb to stand of its over-sized paws for more than a nano second before it gets distracted by a chew toy or a bone or some other such inconsequence.

But. I cannot even sit in my Emotional Processing Box without the persistent pitter-patter of hellhound footlings violating my sacred aura.

Mother says, “She’s just a baby!”
But I, too, was once a baby. And I did not bark in the face of divinity.

Nor eat rocks.

Nor, Mother, did I chase my own tail.

Imagine

Imagine that. Being so imbecilic that the tail becomes

merely an extension

of ones brain.

I would not have believed in such

Had I not seen it with my own

Irises.

And, Last night the gug infested thing  licked my paw.
I have not recovered.

I fear

I shall never be the same

again.

I shall never recover.

C-ACT III: THE DEPAWMENT

I now reside on the highest shelf.
I have rejected the floor entirely.
I eat only in the cloak of darkness.

Clandestine.

Like a grubby little mouse sneaking around in my own

House.

My own sanctuary no more my own.
I cry out in the twilight hours, seeking solace from the moon.

Even the moon is deaf to my suffering.

My pain.

I am not jealous. I am… aware.
The world has grown cruel. And louder.

Still louder.

For I am tortured and harassed.

I shall therefore. Sleep.